Take a deep breath. You are not alone if you, like me, find yourself anxious and/or worrying about all the things. Keep reading if you have found yourself struggling lately.
I found myself with my head on the kitchen counter struggling to catch my breath. It was a few days before I was scheduled to leave my three boys for a long weekend away to celebrate my anniversary. I was feeling anxious about leaving- particularly about leaving my 7 month old. He is exclusively breastfed and struggles with taking a bottle. All I could think about was him needing me to feed him and that he would cry for 3 days straight until I returned. I worried his grandparents would be so tired that they would never want to watch our boys again. I worried he wouldn’t eat or sleep. I kept playing a loop in my head that I was a bad mom for taking a few nights away to connect with my husband. I couldn’t breathe. I felt lightheaded. I was having a panic attack.
I wanted to take the baby with us or cancel the trip altogether. I was willing to forfeit all the money we had spent thus far. I couldn’t stop my mind from running out of control with anxious thoughts. I just wanted it to stop.
You want to know how this story ended? He was fine! Everyone was fine! I had a great time on my weekend away with my husband. He adapted. I caused myself so much stress for weeks and for what? The result of all of our anxious thoughts or worries are 99% of the time for NOTHING. We have let our fears and thoughts take over and steal away that moments joy.
Anxiety is something I have silently suffered with for a really long time. As far back as I can remember, I would lay awake at night anxious about all the things the next day would bring. I think about literally everything laying there trying to fall asleep. Since becoming a mama, my anxiety has kicked into a whole new level. The weight that comes with being 100% responsible for children that depend on you to meet their every need is heavy. Also, when you are known to be the ‘strong one’ and the one who ‘has it all together’, you often just bottle up your feelings and keep it moving. You are the one many come to for advice, often the forgotten one when it comes to others checking on you. You give a lot of yourself emotionally to others because that is just who you are.
And you want to know something? As a Christian, I often beat myself up for struggling to control my anxiety. Anxiety goes against everything I believe. God is in control – not me. I know this! Yet I am human. I feel guilty every time my brain races and fills with anxious thoughts. So I rarely say anything about my struggle. I do my best to cope but every now and then, I lose to anxiety. I hate this about myself and I am always working to better control those feelings.
I realize my anxiety is stemmed from my need to control every outcome. I overthink every possible scenario over and over sometimes to the point of no end. I know I need to break up with the need to control the unknown because once I do, I am almost certain the anxiety will disappear. Once we let go of our need to control the uncontrollable, we will free ourselves from the anxiety that tries to take over in the midst of the unknown. After all, I am well aware I control nothing so why does my mind keep running a race it will never end? As a Christian, this really bothers me because I know it is not pleasing to God. I am a work in progress and have been for a really long time when it comes to controlling anxious thoughts, worry, and/or fear of the unknown.
I have learned a lot about myself and how to manage the anxiety a little better. I learned years ago that I am a Type 6 Ennegram AKA the Loyalist. I am also a Cancer. I feel things deep. I overthink. I worry. I’m loyal. My natural born personality is highly anxious lol. Once I learned about my personality traits, that alone has helped me understand how to take a deep breath in those moments of weakness, seek the Lord, and God has already worked out whatever it is causing me stress for my good. I journal when I feel overwhelmed, exercise, and I try to focus on things that keep me busy. I also learned my triggers and my goodness do I have a few! I have thought about therapy a few times but haven’t taken any steps toward it yet but I see absolutely NO SHAME in going to talking to someone if you need to do that to better handle the anxiousness.
Dear mama, what are you anxious about today? I would love to hear in the comments and pray with you. Whatever it is, I assure you our father is already working overtime to work all things out for your good. Don’t allow the anxiety to steal away today’s joy. I am talking to myself mainly but I realize there are so many of you out there just like me. My goal going forward is to share more of this vulnerability with you in hopes to help us all grow and better manage our anxious hearts.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7
Until next time……..
