Motherhood is what she prayed for

“When someone else’s happiness is your happiness. That is love.” -Lana Del Rey 

Children are the greatest gift and for as long as she can remember, being a mom was her dream.  She had it all planned out.  You know the type.  Graduate college.  Start career. Get married. Start family.  And do it all by 25.  

In her case, the marriage and start a family part was delayed a few years past her “plan”.  She wanted to start having babies right away. So she prayed, had faith, and she believed.  Even through a miscarriage, she kept believing. 

In 2016, the lord answered her prayer. She welcomed a 7lb 4oz baby boy via c section into the world.  She was over the moon.  She returned to work after a 12 week maternity leave and did her best to juggle being a working mom.

Overall, her first postpartum journey was relatively smooth.  She thought, this is a great time to add to the family.  Shortly after her son’s first birthday, she found out she was expecting baby number 2.  Another answered prayer.  Her son was getting a sibling! 

She welcomed a second baby boy in early 2018 weighing in at 7lbs 10oz and her world as she knew it completely changed. 

This postpartum experience hit her like a ton of bricks.  She now had two babies under two years old and had to recover from a repeat c section.  From the start, things were more challenging this time around but she didn’t complain.  Motherhood is what she prayed for. 

God answered another prayer allowing for her to stay home and not return to her stressful career.  Everything she ever wanted was happening.  From the outside looking in, life was pretty much perfect.  She manages to raise smart, kind and well mannered tiny humans.  She manages to keep a somewhat clean house.  She manages to be a decent wife.  She manages to start a small business and dabble in real estate.  She starts a blog.  She is managing to do it all on her terms. But this all comes at a cost.

The reality is behind the scenes she is complete hot mess trying to hold it together most of the time.  She puts so much pressure on herself to do it all and to do it all well. She feels guilty because she gets to stay home with the kids.  She worries ALL the time that the rug will be pulled from underneath her feet.  She worries something will happen to her kids, her husband, or herself.  It’s almost self sabotage and it’s stealing her happiness.  She feels rage inside some days.  Not sad feelings but crippling anxiousness.  So many little things cause her worry.  She overthinks everything and her mind is constantly racing.

She is so sleep deprived.  She is anxious constantly.  She starts to think- is all of this normal? When she is asked about her emotional state during postpartum doctor appointments, she answers the typical responses.  She honestly  believes the anxiety is just how it is.  She does her best to hide it and will it away.  Afterall, motherhood is what she prayed for. 

You see, she is an introvert and doesn’t open up often about her problems. She is the friend you call that you know will listen and not unload her own troubles onto you. She hides the feelings she is having as she never wants to seem ungrateful because she is literally living her dream. These are lies the devil is feeding her.  She has a great support system but she is a control freak and insists on carrying it all on her shoulders. So she just keeps pushing forward because motherhood is what she prayed for.

The poor dog. Everything the dog does drives her literally insane-not exaggerating.  Even the sound of his licking sends her on a frenzy.  In her defense, he has become a handful to deal with. He runs out the door and has started marking himself in the house. He was once her only baby and now the sight and smell of him has turned her cold.  She feels so awful about feeling this way but cannot help it.  It is the anxiety.  She loves her dog. Everything is piling up, extra patience is scarce, and unfortunately the dog is getting love from an empty cup. 

Like most moms of small kids, she has almost zero time to herself.  She is a walking milk machine, snack provider, teacher, diaper changer, potty trainer, and cuddle giver.  She is everything for everyone and on call 24/7.   It’s the hardest yet most rewarding job she’s ever had. She takes pride in taking care of her family and when she thinks she can’t handle anymore on her plate, she remembers motherhood is what she prayed for. 

She looses handfuls of hair every time she washes it.  The edges of her hair are practically gone at this point and it does nothing for her self esteem.  She wonders if it will ever stop.  She doesn’t dwell on it.  Motherhood is what she prayed for.  

She is missing her husband who is out working hard to provide for their family.  Some days the tears pour out and the anxiety completely takes over.  The boys are screaming more than usual. The dog is barking more than normal. She can literally feel the rage rush through her veins. Sometimes, she has yelled at her children. Some days, she has screamed at the dog. She has been short tempered and critical with her husband at times. She has talked badly about herself. All the while, she keeps trying to be strong. These are the days she gets nothing accomplished. Her many business endeavors are pushed to the back burner despite how badly she wants to do it all and help out a little financially.  There are days she feels completely inadequate and unworthy.  She is just trying to survive. This is not the motherhood she expected.

“What is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.” – Anna Quindlen

When she gives herself grace and let’s go of the unrealistic need to be the perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect momprenuer and is simply ok with her best, those are the most fulfilling days. She is happy.  Completely and utterly in love with the life she has been blessed with.  This is the motherhood she prayed for.

Postpartum is sometimes a roller coaster of emotions no matter how perfect it can appear on TV or on Instagram.  For her, motherhood is filled full of really happy moments and some not so happy ones. What she is going through in this story is no different than what tons of other moms are experiencing and hiding just as well as she is doing.  Just like her, so many other mothers are thinking motherhood is what I prayed for.  So they deal with the low moments in silence.

The rewards of motherhood far surpass the hard days.  She has two little blessings that are living, breathing, testimonies of HIS greatness.  Those two boys keep her going.  They are watching her and they want a happy, healthy, thriving mommy.  For them, she keeps pushing. 

The anxiety doesn’t go away.  She just learns how to manage better. Spending more time with the lord, yoga, reading, lots of coffee and just trying to live in the moment with her boys are a few ways she deals with it.  Shifting her perspective and focusing on gratitude has also helped.  Getting out of the house everyday has done wonders.  And giving herself lots of grace. After all, motherhood is what she prayed for.  And she is so very blessed.

This she is me.  

Whatever you are feeling today mama, know you are not alone.  Motherhood is a hard job but you are fully equipped to rock it! Dust yourself off and soak up the time you have with those babies because time is a thief.  We will blink and wish we were back in these tough trenches 🙂

For many moms, the dark days or feelings are mere moments.  Temporary.  Maybe a bit of the baby blues.  Postpartum anxiety/depression is real and so many moms suffer in silence.  If you are in a dark place that you just cannot get out of, please talk with your doctor.  You deserve to be heard and to get help. 

PS-  I have been participating in a mom blog challenge hosted by my friend Bonnie at haveakidtheysaid.com.  Visit her blog to read postpartum posts from the other amazing mamas participating.